Lot in Life

Day 16: Something difficult about your lot in life and how you're working to overcome it. 

How to deal with your "lot in life." What does lot in life mean exactly. I mean, I know what it means, but I wanted to look up the meaning to answer the question for myself. 

It's a Biblical reference. Not to push religious belief, but the saying comes from the story in Genesis where Abraham and Lot part ways and Lot, not believing in Abraham's knowledge of God, seeks his own future and is tortured for it. Parts ways with what God has commanded multiple times and throughout his life seeks the wrong path. Therefore, in his life he finds trouble throughout. Many in this day in age who find trouble (perceived or otherwise) in life, claim it is their "Lot" in life that they must endure. - http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_does_the_idiom_it's_my_lot_in_life_mean

This is another one of the deep ones. This is why I love this link up. Not only do your readers get to learn things about you, but you also learn about yourself. This is giving me the opportunity to write about how I am feeling at this stage of my life, and years from now I can look back and remember how I felt, what my views were, etc. 

Everyone experiences difficulties in life. Some are to a further degree than others. I have been sitting here staring at my screen trying to figure out how to put into words what is in my head. I wasn't dealt a terrible hand in life. I am thankful to be fairly healthy, my parents were together when I was younger, even though we moved around a lot I always managed to adjust, I have a wonderful husband, a job, great friends. There are a few things that I deal with internally that I am constantly trying to overcome.

I have anxiety. I do not take medicine for it, it isn't so crippling that I can't function in society....but it does effect me in ways that I don't expect people without anxiety to understand. I get anxious about stupid things: confrontation, being in a crowded place, being in unknown situations, making big decisions.  I get anxious about things that I can't control like bad weather or having something bad happen to loved ones. I get anxious when I have big decisions to make for myself. 

I have insecurities. I am insecure about my weight. I have a thyroid problem and serious vitamin deficiencies that hinder my energy levels. I lost 10 lbs, and have 20 more to go for my first goal. Currently I am in a fight with myself, I keep losing and gaining the same 5 lbs. It is so very frustrating and discouraging. I eat so healthy during the week. I count calories and try not to exceed a certain amount. During the week I feel like I am always hungry, like I am not allowing myself to have enough calories but when I allow myself 200-300 more and feel satisfied, the scale reflects that and goes up. I need to up my physical activity. I am building myself up to join a gym again. I have promised myself to join the last week of May. I used to work out at LA Fitness when I lived in Atlanta and I got comfortable going every day. Right now I am embarrassed to go to a gym and have other people judge my physical ability, even though I don't pay attention to others there it still makes me insecure about others seeing me. I won't join my co-workers when they go to spin and body pump classes because I don't want them seeing how weak I am. I love going out with my husband and having fun....but I will stand in my closet for hours trying to figure out what to wear because I hate the way EVERYTHING looks on me. I am self conscious walking across a crowded place wondering how many people think "ew" when they see me. I have huge anxiety about being at the beach soon, swim suit season is scary. 

I am scared of failing. I am so scared of failing professionally, that I hold myself back from being successful. I am so thankful that I have a job, however, I am so bored. I am not being challenged at all, unless you are talking about patience tolerance for bullshit....I have built my patience up greatly! Ha! I know that I am so much better than what I do. I know that I can handle a great amount of responsibility. I have amazing work ethic. I am great at multi-tasking, handling deadlines, working together on a team, taking the lead on things, doing what it takes to get things done...yet I am so scared to try and find something better. I don't want to be someones assistant the rest of my life, I just really don't. Yet....I am so scared of stepping out of my "comfort zone" and being successful. I am working really hard on this currently. I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. I want to do something that I enjoy, that I don't hate myself for every day. I watched my dad hate his job his entire life, being so miserable with it...and I don't want to be that. It starts effecting other parts of your life, because let's face it, you spend more time at work than you do anywhere else so you need to at least be OK with it! They wouldn't call it work if it was fun, but you don't want to be completely miserable. I constantly ask myself what is it that I want to do. What will make me happy and fill successful. 

There are so many things in my life that I work on every day. Dealing with anxiety, building up confidence to be happy with myself physically and professionally.